July 2010
3 posts
“Never make someone your everything…”
I am crazy. I am losing you. I have done this before and I wondered why it wasn’t happening here yet. But there are no special moments really, are there? And I have sworn myself out of love before. I have lost myself like this over something as simple as this. I am suddenly swarming, dizzy, lost. How did this happen? Is it the remaining time or would it be like this anyway? I am not going to...
37 days.
This sadness, it’s oxygen melted to chemical. It trickles down my crevices, it’s seeping in my pores. Something’s eating my smile, something’s making me slow, but it quickens my wits. Eye contact is a killer, these glances pour heat over me. And suddenly everything is serious, this is where I ruin everything. Every second counts because time is running out and it’s...
June 2010
1 post
making a mess with feelings.
I’m a rain cloud in the morning with your absence flooding my head. I force myself back into sleep and dream that you’re beside me in your bed. And you’re only down the road, I am nowhere near alone. How will I deal with this when I have finally left home? It is weakness or love but they are one in the same. Your touch is the closest thing I’ve got to angel wings. I tried...
May 2010
1 post
I’m ready
April 2010
1 post
The thing about drug stories is you have to read them so quickly and continuously, you have to get to the climax and then the still point, the recovery. If you stop too long in the center when the drugs are doing big glorious things, you can so easily become a part of the character’s life, make it your own. Even if only a mental sense. And therefore drug stories release that...
March 2010
7 posts
We twist.
Bones crunch, skin stretches.
I step and you restrain,
Our toe cramps.
Our head is heavy,
Body no longer defined.
You rest inside me,
And you never rest easy.
I tell them time and again:
This is the body I occupy here.
But you are more weight than a body.
This joke has become a mystery.
Misery, missed lead, misled.
For a body can’t climb into a head.
And now, progress.
Hello life, I need to rush back into your arms.
I’m going to do well in school for the remainder of the year and hopefully, with fingers and toes crossed, attend Pratt Institute in August. I need this— though schooling is all I was against in the past, this is something different, this is everything.
I need balance. This means morning work-outs and documenting dreams. And not...
I’ve said all along. I blame you both for a large part. One of my biggest fears was always that I would get to this stage where I had to make decisions and change, and you mother fuckers would pull your restricting bullshit to enhance my apathy and depression. And now I don’t care what consequences you give me. Now I just wanna be dead again. And I’m gonna lethargically do...
major characteristic
i ignore and ditch people, push people away. i subconsciously do things to be alone. i’m prone to going downhill, addicted to self destruction. there are phases, some long some short, where i change and like to be surrounded, but on a wide scale, that is how i am. the most optimistic pessimist you know. i know my fate because i wrote it. i skipped the part where i should have dropped out of...
Molecules
Particles infused, momentary withouts, where loneliness poured rain baby blossoms sprout. Within, but still rung out, then dried up and pruned, chapped lips and heels.
lions and tigers and bears!
I’m back in a MAJOR downhill phase. Pro-death, lack of inspiration, nothing to say, anti-social. etc etc etc.
February 2010
2 posts
You are made mostly of corn.
Let this be what keeps you up all night
Like baby spiders crawling down the cabinet handle
Every gust of wind is just a killer outside the window,
Tell the ceiling all of your secrets, let them out
Black turns to gray and this is just confession hour
Deep breaths, slow steps, the bathroom mirror
You’ll etch into your skin what you can’t get on the paper
I am always a cynic but...
but i’ve learned to love my broken heart and staying up all night writing you boring songs. if these reflections were just cues to acts of patience then every blurred face against each window passing wouldn’t be a reminder of you softly singing in the passenger seat.
and it’s alright because I only need that feeling to hold me up over the edge and inspire me to make art of never actually falling in.
January 2010
11 posts
Never fall.
When you are romantically involved with somebody or desirous of such connection, every little thing becomes fifteen times more serious, and this is why it fails. When a friend misses your call or doesn’t speak to you all day, nothing changes, nothing really is thought of. When that person does the same, it is the end of the world. No attachments.
Just knowing your presence last night did...
I get in too deep if I get in at all and it’s never healthy. I’m too easy to hurt the second I know I let myself go, even though moments before I’m inevitably untouchable. And even when things are starting off happily, I automatically break like this. I need to change this because it’s only annual, it’s already written down. By now I’ve sworn that through the...
cause i’m feeling kinda strange again, out of confidence again. the world’s a sick place again, i’m ready to erase again.
it works like this
You’re either one of the rare few who can look into my eyes and understand me, or you just never understand at all. I don’t know how to answer questions, if you don’t get it by just knowing you won’t get it at all. It’s much simpler than it sounds, that’s why it has no words.
I never thought I’d say this, but I’m extremely annoyed at the amount of...
But I don’t deal with contemplation or question, I just flow and feed off vibes. I couldn’t tell you how I feel ‘cause thinking about it changes my mind.
PLEASE VOTE FOR MY PHOTO →
Scholarships As I Apply:
Bright Future
The Big Dig
Gen and Kelly Tanabe
Munch munch.
I’ve over-eaten to a new extreme tonight. I feel like my stomach is a storage unit for massive sand castles encrusted with peanut butter, which is just ultimately disgusting. Dear exercise and productivity, welcome yourselves back into the gates of my life.
“I left a piece of skin at the movie theater once. So it could watch movies all...”
– Margot at the Wedding
Thumbs up:
When movies are silent which makes things appear slower, then the sound and speed picks up at the same time.
December 2009
7 posts
The Florida Song
You tried repeatedly for weeks to hear the words I swore I had to say, sworn to secrecy by my eyes infusing lessons in my brainwaves. You followed me around as if I was a mystic mindful lady with broad shoulders and curly hair that climbed into my soul from my feet. Yes, you tried and tried for weeks. And every time you returned you showed your nervous face outside my window before stepping...
we do not exist
oh at the split and divide, we’ll see children playing on the sidewalk
an exhibitionist lies beneath a sunset all covered in stardust
and it’s five in the afternoon, seven senses awakened
when we cross over the atmosphere into our imagination.
oh i’ve got scars from when reality shook me
and took me by surprise
i’ve got simplicities no man can see because of
the...
“you must be reckless and careless down to your very bones. here, nothing is...”
– myself
“The liberty of the individual is no gift of civilization. It was greatest before...”
– Sigmund Freud
People always say things like “oh wait a few years and you’ll be so thankful for high school” etc, about the times you’re currently hating. And I realize- it’s like as time goes on things get progressively worse in most aspects and you’re supposed to think oh, I had the best time of my life back then… so by the end of your life, you look back and think...
Lately I always come to the conclusion;
If something happened to you or I tomorrow I would not be okay with the state of things. It can’t be right to be strangers with the person I care about the most- no, it most definitely does not feel right.
The memories play back like movie scenes and it’s the worst, the feeling that this is what I’d always hoped it would never be. Way back to the beginning they go. Anywhere I go...
Maybe most people are more time savvy than I am. But personally, when I have an assignment, I need a reeeally long time to do it, or the time for it to be done passes and I still have not begun.
November 2009
12 posts
hope and fate together make hate
i type in
all lower case to emphasize the theory that nothing is of too much importance, and no letters are more important than others either. ;)
Upon watching New Moon for the second time..
which is already ridiculous… I noticed that Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) looks like a mixture of Colby and Brad Ryser! So weird.
The movie is a curse for sure though.. I can’t believe I saw it once much less twice. But on a bright note, I’m obsessed with Alice.
“Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your...”
– Lawrence Krauss (via adriennealair) (via snakecharmer) (via shutlow)
THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE EVER READ.
(via insomniapit)
Not even chocolate milk can make me feel better...
Wearing clothes belonging to people I love but no longer communicate with is a form of therapy for me.
The majority of my daydreams consist of said people getting hurt, coming to me to save them, dying, etc, in the most heartbreaking ways possible.
I love my cat more than anything in the world. I knew I had to have him if I wanted to save my own life that day, and it’s been different ever...
“Please don’t take my sunshine away.”
all contains jokery
whirlwinds,
ancient figures come from thin air and line the staircases
creeping up slowly to new apartments, perplexed
and universes, starless and spaceless
rest like puppets above the top shelf observing
all that has been created on the lowest lands.
shorelines,
monsters beg to carry away what has been made
for fear, for pity, for all that comes with reason
and clouds have lost...
I know I’m making my way into the unreal again. All things human or not come in and out of focus; either the background or foreground of what I’m seeing is blurred. I usually focus in on the little things, and my eyes get a little bit crossed; the whole picture gets quite shaky, and I lose control of my eyes, or maybe it’s my mind. The little things, always. The thoughts and the...
Oh man, I’d love some arms around me.
I’m dyin’ for a life with open, pure people. Where you say the simple things. No arguments, no jealousy, hands over each others eyes.
Fun Fact:
I have quite a fascination with wearing clothing belonging to the people I miss / have lost. Right now, I’m sporting Colby’s “affliction” shirt. It even has crosses on it, and I wear it proud. I love this habit.
“The incredible history of my feelings and my thoughts could fill up a dozen...”
– Wallace Shawn
i am the uncarved block
bullshit-free
big ol’ heart, best intentions
pure
come in, go out, be free
October 2009
24 posts
old livejournal posts
picked up a flower dropped off by a boat, a shattered vase and tall stems that wrote, write to my lover she’s trapped in a cage, a small lion in ropes gets filled up with rage, but if you do free her she’ll try to stay calm, hold love on your chest and tough meat in your palm, her stomach will fill and she’ll follow you back, her soul is still whole but her heart is at lack....
Wendy: My unfulfilled ambition is to write a great novel in three parts about my adventures.
Aunt Millicent: What adventures?
Wendy: I've yet to have them, but they will be perfectly thrilling.
“I was the shadow of the waxwing slain by the false azure in the windowpane.
I...”
– Vladimir Nabokov